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I tried to make a list of things that were “chicago” and found out most (but not all) of these things are not things i am very much into.

Not included: driving; driving large SUVs; honking while driving large SUVs; living in suburbs; racist cops; indoor rock-climbing; not minding pollution; Stalinists; socialists; literal white supremacists; Zizek fans (see Stalinists, above); John Belushi; spray tanning; automated car washes; steakhouses; craft beer; the band Chicago

Anyone got any hot relocation tips? I am dreaming of not being in the state of Illinois by 2017 (no offense to John Belushi, et. al.). Alls i want out of life is ruthlessly low rent in a nice college town with a few low-skilled jobs dangling within reach, very far from industrial toxins and very near a whole lot of woods containing as little tick-borne illness as possible. And maybe also a nice dog with short hair wandering around looking for a pal who can’t always afford the top-shelf kibble but will definitely be liberal with the treats and hangouts.