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in short

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I tried to make a list of things that were “chicago” and found out most (but not all) of these things are not things i am very much into.

Not included: driving; driving large SUVs; honking while driving large SUVs; living in suburbs; racist cops; indoor rock-climbing; not minding pollution; Stalinists; socialists; literal white supremacists; Zizek fans (see Stalinists, above); John Belushi; spray tanning; automated car washes; steakhouses; craft beer; the band Chicago

Anyone got any hot relocation tips? I am dreaming of not being in the state of Illinois by 2017 (no offense to John Belushi, et. al.). Alls i want out of life is ruthlessly low rent in a nice college town with a few low-skilled jobs dangling within reach, very far from industrial toxins and very near a whole lot of woods containing as little tick-borne illness as possible. And maybe also a nice dog with short hair wandering around looking for a pal who can’t always afford the top-shelf kibble but will definitely be liberal with the treats and hangouts.

10 Comments on “in short”

    • that does look interesting! def nicer than schaumburg. but if i moved there i’d never shut up about the deepwater horizon spill. but at least i’d be warm!

  1. You left out Jewel-Osco, always refered to as ‘the Jewel’, which would sound super precious if not for the Chicago accent (not the stores themselves, just people saying the name), and deep fried tater tots available at bars.

    Places: Baltimore, somewhere in Idaho, Kansas City, Asheville, and my personal favorite Detroit. Also, I’ve never been but I sometimes hear people calling St. Louis a shithole so it could be interesting?

    • i am a jewel-osco powershopper. i miss ye olde kroger in ohio though! the mob must have muscled them out of chicago.

      kansas city and idaho sound p good, but i haven’t really been. i’ve heard the same about stl, from reliable sources… & that and detroit are too big & drivey for me to survive there. i’m currently pondering bloomington, indiana, just since it’s close and small and cheap and is near a giant state park. it turns out i actually have a lot more criteria for a new place that i didn’t mention — i’ve read WAY too much about nuclear testing, energy and storage, so i’m trying to avoid anywhere downwind or downstream of the nevada test site, the hanford site, yucca mountain, the oak ridge facility, or three-mile island. (and i’m eyeing the entire west coast suspiciously, post-fukushima, what with all the die-off). and asheville seems cool but i’ve also pledged to never return to the east coast, since it is overpriced and overpolluted. to be fair everywhere is a cesspit these days, but it’s hard to deny the facts on this map: https://gislounge.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/03/nps-noise-map.jpg

      this map has also helped me cross off a lot of options regarding The Good Life: http://www.bloomberg.com/image/i5z6D1WDxTS4.jpg

      relocation is a lot harder now than when i was young, since at this point i’d kind of like to stay put for a decent while in a place where i don’t feel hesitant to inhale — in an economy where a lot more people are looking for same.

      • The dB map doesn’t seem useful to me at such a small size. It does tell me that there appears to be a 1:1 correlation between however they’re measuring dB levels and population density, which makes your criteria hard to fit. College town, not too drive-y, and not the site of nuclear testing all point to higher population density and therefore a bright spot on the dB map. Anyway I don’t think it’s a good tool for this job, on a town level you should be able to find quieter pockets not discernable on the map.

        For some reason I thought you’d already tried and/or ruled out Bloomington, but I think it’s a great choice. Otherwise Ypsilanti/Ann Arbor? Estonia?

        • really the main takeaway from the dB map is “maybe there are too many concentrated human populations on the east coast and chicago.” It’s actually kind of shocking; i had been assuming the west and east coasts would be roughly equal in noise, but wow, it’s all lit up on the right.

          But i do think there are plenty of blue-area college towns that might work well. And you might be surprised how many nuclear downwind/river sites are rural! (The entire bottom halves of Utah & Nevada, for instance…)

          Estonia, though. Tempting.

          PS i just sent you an email

    • yeah oregon would be great (i was looking at eugene for a while), only it looks like there’s no jobs goin’ on over there, and i don’t have any connex. (also there’s a small legal issue with the state of oregon that might make things a bit more, uh, challenging). and it’s a long slog from chicago. but i’d be so much closer to hawai’i. and man, all those mushrooms………….

  2. Bloomington, IN, is pretty good, and so is Indianapolis, despite the fact that Indiana at large kind of sucks

    • weirdly there is absolutely no train or bus service from anywhere to bloomington. i may get stuck in indianapolis regardless

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