Our younger, hipper coworker keeps insisting that it’s way cooler to have an instagram than an actual website. Although instagram seems like an even more vacuous waste of time and privacy than twitter, i’m not quite ready to lay down and die completely just yet — so tonight i locked the 21st century in a big greasy bear hug, gave The Man unfettered eternal access and reuse rights to my camera, microphone and contact list, and downloaded the instagram app: @gabbyschulz

Doing this, i found out that i had in fact actually already made an instagram account back in 2012, when i’d borrowed an iTouch for my big trip to France & Belgium (for a couple Monsters book-signings). It looks like i’d taken about 4 crappy, hackneyed pictures before finding out that free wifi in Europe was scarcer than presumed, and that my week could definitely be better spent not sitting in a McDonald’s in Paris uploading blurry pictures of tourist crap to exactly zero followers. (These are still the only pictures on my instagram account, as of this morning.)

In the past 4 years of its dormancy, it looks like some people have found my account somehow (probably facebook?) and followed me. Well, imagine their surprise when my instagram springs to life again this week. Imagine my surprise, considering i still have no idea how (or why) to even use instagram. What am i supposed to put on there? Selfies? #foodporn? Double rainbows? Am i even allowed to use instagram without a car?

I’m told this pictoral TMI is like a spa treatment for my personal brand, but if you want pictures of my food, prepare for Taco Bell three times a week. And if you want artfully cropped, egregiously filtered glimpses of my private life/naked body flooding your phone, expect to be bored senseless — i’m a perpetually clothed walking antidote to narcissism, and my daily life mostly consists of farting around a bookstore (that already has its own instagram account), then biking home to eat eggs. On my weekends i bike to a coffee shop and draw. I used to go to a bar alone and play Dr. Mario, but now i don’t even do that, since i’m trying to save money to get out of Chicago. Will instagram help me get out of Chicago?

Seriously though i need help using instagram because i’m like double the age of its oldest average user, and do not actually have any friends or fun irl. Please tell me how to instagram. @gabbyschulz

I’m sorry for all of this btw